The Good Life Can be a Messy Life
May 21, 2013
Tags: radical homemaking, family farming

I woke up this morning and came down to my office. I should have done yoga. I should have meditated. Instead, I fixed my attention on the woodstove. It’s late May, for Pete’s sake, I shouldn’t need a fire. But I couldn’t stop shivering. I stumbled through the dark outside until I had some kindling and firewood. Without even realizing I was doing it, I came back inside, and fabricated an excuse to wake up Bob and ask for his help.

He came downstairs bleary-eyed and dutiful, tripping over the dog bones and scraps of kid projects littering the floor. I groped my way through the curtain of laundry that was hung to dry from the tie rods on the ceiling and met him half way. And there I fell into his arms, clung to his waist, and burst into tears.

“I had a bad dream,” I whimpered. “You left me.”
“Where’d I go?”
“Back to grad school.”
“I think that would be my idea of a bad dream. You forget how bad grad school was for me.”
“No” I giggled, still crying, “you got tired of all this. All the mess and all the chaos, and all the busy-ness. So you just slipped away, rented a room someplace, and that was that. And I was so busy, you were gone a month before I realized it.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
And then he held me and I cried and cried and cried some more. Some days, I need the cry more than the yoga.

It’s spring. In the past six weeks, the longest stretch of time I’ve had alone with my husband has been the 45 minute drive to our farmers’ market, which opened this past weekend. He’s gone every morning to help at the farm, while I remain behind to see to homeschool lessons, weeding, yard work, planting, kids’ activities, bookkeeping, appointments, errands, customer correspondence, and fixing lunches, in between work sessions to make sausage, pâté, soap, salve and candles for the market.

The grass has grown half way up my shins, the kitchen cabinets seem permanently sticky from slap-dash efforts to clean up from last week’s honey bottling disaster, the dishes are piling up, soap batter has spilled and hardened to my kitchen counters, I’m riddled with guilt over explaining to Ula that she is NOT helping me out by dumping all of her plush toys in the center of the living room so that she can help me relax by performing a puppet show, and I’m beginning to wonder if Saoirse will ever understand long division before she turns 21. Oh, and my oldest dog is now incontinent, needs medication twice a day, refuses to take it, and confronts me at the beginning and end of each day with a locked jaw that requires a level of mutual coercion and bullying that she and I have never encountered in our 13 year friendship.

As I write all this, I think back to my life with Ruth and Sanford, elderly subsistence farmers who lived up the road from us who took me on as a granddaughter-of-choice when I was younger. Any time that I wasn’t in school I could be found up in their pastures, out in their barn, mowing their grass, or sitting at their kitchen table.

Ruth and Sanford were very influential in this life I’ve chosen. I remember vividly realizing how all the pressures I faced with school life would fall away from me as I walked the mile up the road to their farm on Saturdays and Sundays. When there, time seemed to stand still, I was able to breathe, be a part of my ecosystem, and feel entirely free. Nothing ever felt hurried. My worries vanished.

But here I am, trying to model my life after their path, and I feel breathless as I try to make my way through each day. What’s different?

The remainder of this essay has been removed for editing and inclusion in Shannon’s forthcoming book, Homespun Mom Comes Unraveled.
Comments
May 21, 2013 7:09 AM EDT
Cleaning is for winter!
– Jenny
May 21, 2013 8:14 AM EDT
It’s an authentic life…
Gardens need rain.. Souls need tears.
– Gavi
May 21, 2013 9:13 AM EDT
Well there’s Laughing Yoga, maybe there should also be Crying Yoga..

It’s amazing you do as much as you do.

One of my favorite parts of your Radical Homemakers book is where you describe the homes of the folks you visited- they seemed so neat and clean until after you’d been there awhile and things gradually began to entropy. The folks confessed that they’d cleaned for days before your arrival! It sure made me feel better about my lack of “having it all together”.
And after all, a loving family is way more fun than a streamlined, organized, and sterile life.

I’ve been there with the old dog part 🙁 My sympathies… You’ll know when it’s time.
– Sylvia
May 21, 2013 9:58 AM EDT
I’ve had good luck getting pills into dogs by wrapping them in a morsel of something tasty. Cats are a different story.
– Zana Hart
May 21, 2013 10:21 AM EDT
This is my biggest problem too. I have this perfect life and I have everything I have always wanted. But the house is always messy and the farm always needs more work. If I spend the day working on fences, then the kitchen becomes a disaster zone. If I spend the day cleaning, nothing gets done outside. And I have a hard time doing both. I am finally a “stay at home mom” and my house is dirtier than when I was working full time. The worst part is having a husband that holds it against me. I usually feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done and then I end up accomplishing nothing. There are so many lovely moments in my day, and I do appreciate all that I have, but I spend way too much time looking forward to the kids moving out so that I can have a clean house.
– Donna
May 21, 2013 11:40 AM EDT
Just yesterday, I was having a similar conversation with another homeschooling mom. Her child was joining my kids for the morning, to allow her a couple of hours to tend to an elderly relative. My daughter overheard our discussion of how hard it was to manage everything on our “lists” and wandered into the room with a guilt-stricken look on her face. I had to catch my breath and remind her (and myself), “You kids are at the top of my list.”
Thank you for sharing your life with all of us instead of scrubbing down the kitchen counter!
– Mary Huhmann
May 21, 2013 11:42 AM EDT
Inside cleaning is for rainy days when you’re my age and the children have all grown up!
– Grammomsblog
May 21, 2013 2:47 PM EDT
I melted down trying to do as much as you do. Being a procrastinator, I didn’t melt down at the peak of my time-crunch obligations but somewhat afterwards after things began to ease up. At the time I was homeschooling my three youngest, which included a lot of driving to far flung destinations (bagpipe band practice, wildlife volunteering, science apprenticeships, etc). I was doing what I could on our small farm, nothing approaching the remarkable diversity of your tasks but still the sort of things that are time sensitive and urgent as farming tends to be. I was trying to earn money writing and editing more desperately than usual because my husband was unemployed, which kept me awake at night even when I wasn’t working as I kept going over things in my head. And my mother was dying in pain though there was nothing I could do about it, leaving me feeling as if my bone marrow was leaching away with each phone call and visit.

I coped. I did everything and more. I even felt wrenchingly guilty when I begged off several volunteer gigs. And then things slowed down. My husband got a job. Several kids went off to college. I had time to mourn my mother’s passing. Suddenly I couldn’t go back to the furious pace I’d set for myself. That level of energy wasn’t there nor was the will to choose it again. I still can’t bear to sit around doing nothing but I know that, if I want to, I can spare a half hour to sit in the grass by the pond in quiet contemplation. I’m learning to let myself do it guilt free.
– Laura Grace Weldon
May 21, 2013 3:24 PM EDT
There are so many good ways to live a life and I think they are all messy ways! I realized this year that spring time is just always going to be crazy. All the gardening and animal husbandry that spring requires.
– Karen @ Making Shift
May 21, 2013 3:32 PM EDT
Thank you for posting this. It makes me feel like less of a failure as I contemplate the weeds in my yard and the dishes in my kitchen sink. It also reminded me of a poem I heard recently, the last stanza being particularly appropriate:

Listening
by David Ignatow

You wept in your mother’s arms
and I knew that from then on
I was to forget myself.

Listening to your sobs,
I was resolved against my will
to do well by us
and so I said, without thinking,
in great panic, To do wrong
in one’s own judgment,
though others thrive by it,
is the right road to blessedness.
Not to submit to error
is in itself wrong
and pride.

Standing beside you,
I took an oath
to make your life simpler
by complicating mine
and what I always thought
would happen did:
I was lifted up in joy.

(That last part always makes me cry!)
– Jenn Ozgur
May 21, 2013 10:19 PM EDT
I both love and fear spring. It’s so overwhelming, and as a homeschooling mother, I always feel that I am neglecting those last few weeks of school (& Everything Else too). It all feels so imperative and yet I can never accomplish all that needs to be done.
If it makes you feel any better, I got dressed for yoga this morning, but somehow ended up weeding carrots until a small person wandered out wondering about breakfast.
– Kirsten
May 22, 2013 4:07 AM EDT
Thanks for your comments, folks. I read every last one of them, smiled at several, wept over some, and felt loved and comforted by all. This is the path I have chosen, and I thank you for sharing it with me as I walk it.
– Shannon Hayes
May 24, 2013 12:16 PM EDT
Oh, Shannon! I sit here crying after reading your post. Thank you for sharing your deep, honest feelings and just for being so real. I had a week of overwhelm and tears last week, looking around that all that had to be done, wondering how I’d ever accomplish it all. I think we go through these cycles of ups and downs, and it is so comforting to know that there are others out there making similar choices and trudging through some of the same challenges right along side you. Thank you again.
– Hannah Noel, Vermont
June 8, 2013 3:30 PM EDT
Thanks and blessing to all, I feel so propped up I too suffer from much that has been described here. One thing keeps coming to mind over and over again, watch what you ask for but remember God loves you and never gives you more than your can handle. A friend who was not too faithful always said, if God takes you to it He will certainly take you through it, and a cross is a joy to bear, just look at the quality of the wood and know you are not alone, it is no longer an instrument of torture but one of joyful perfection and salvation. It is ok to cry, it lets others step up, even for brief moments. Sometimes, I look for ways to make a mess, it causes me to toss, clean, and organize. Just today a last minute b-day sleepover for our youngest daughter caused me to clean out a cabinet of plastic containers that has haunted me in daily prayer for a year-just begging for a moment to sort it. Finally- I got it, looks great, should last a few hours so I will enjoy it. Meanwhile our bedroom is a mountain of clothes, it all gets done. Just remember as my mom always says, this too shall pass, and she is right, it does, try to enjoy it. As for laundry, dressers don’t need to have folded laundry, try rolling it, more fun and kids can do it. Leave undies in smaller baskets and work from a basket under a bed or in a closet, it all gets cleaned and worn anyway. When you have time catch up but remember it is not required to be caught up. When it is nice out-be out, nasty out-be in, and I know farm work makes that tough but is just a generality. No matter the problem remember a few more things, God doesn’t make junk, you are made in His image-imperfect and all, He does not need perfect He has himself for that, He just wants your will so He can show how good you are in the things you do, doing it with love. As for your life, there is a Holy plan, it just goes a little at a time, hopefully at the end of life we will have the privilege to see it as a completed picture. If you are giving the dog proin, I have the same problem, just grind it into some food, or a little natural peanutbutter, works great. Also order from Only natural pet some Incontinence and add a few drops a day as indicated, it did not substitute but it did allow for better health and less symptoms from proin. Not very expensive and sometimes the dog did better on that than proin, but usually not for long. She has been on it 1 1/2 years and it has been livable. Old age, hopefully it won’t be us.Thanks for sharing and know we are united in mess, if a messy desk is the sign of a messy mind then what does and empty desk mean for that mind? Yeah-feng shui can have many meanings;)
– Tatiana
June 14, 2013 7:52 AM EDT
Shannon, My friend Sylvia sent me over here to read this after posting on FAcebook how overwhelmed I felt, rushed and hurried now that we finally have sun and Spring after a neverending winter and the wettest season I’ve known since moving here. We’re beginning farmers all the way and trying so hard, but every year there seems to be a new challenge to make us question what we’ve chosen to do in what some would say are our twilight years. Thank you for helping me reaffirm the commitment we have to the land and ourselves. It’s what I needed, as Sylvia knew it would be. Good luck and blessings to you and your family.
– Meg, Wisconsin
June 17, 2013 7:27 PM EDT
just keep one step ahead of the health dept.
– SueSwartz
Post a comment