Acting Out
May 24, 2012
Tags: parenting

Maybe intervention isn’t always the answer.

Saoirse and Ula are three years apart. Saoirse, 8, is unusually tall, slender, well-spoken, and comes across to grown-ups as particularly well-behaved and extraordinarily poised. Ula isn’t any of those things. At 5, she’s about a foot shorter than her sister, demonstrates an ability to move exceptionally heavy objects for a child of her proportions, has a wandering eye that appears to have a mind of its own, wears glasses, and acts on impulse. I have been mulling over how I am supposed to help her work with that last attribute.

A few days ago, Ula and her best friend Katharine were having a tea party in the living room. Saoirse, who can’t help but be admired, adored and obeyed by all younger children (except her sister), interrupted the tea party with a sing-song announcement: “It’s puzzle hour, kids! Now we’re all going to put puzzles together!” She proceeded to open up a series of jigsaw puzzles and push aside the tea party. Ula didn’t warm to the idea. She began pitching cardboard puzzle pieces at her sister. Katharine joined her.

Saoirse stormed off in frustration, seeking adult intervention. Bob and I didn’t yell at anyone. We just helped Saoirse find a quiet space where she could have some alone time free from non-compliant five-year-olds. Later on, after Katharine went home and we were sitting quietly together with Ula, Bob opened the conversation, suggesting that throwing puzzle pieces at her sister wasn’t an appropriate response to the situation, no matter how bossy her sister was being. He looked to me for back-up commentary. I avoided his eyes and tried not to laugh. “That’s right, Daddy,” I tried to muster. I covered my mouth so Ula wouldn’t see it twitch. But Daddy saw it. And he couldn’t control it either. We both burst into laughter. Ula patiently waited for her scolding to resume. We tried a second time with a few weak platitudes, like“throwing things is never appropriate.” Trouble was, Bob and I both agreed that it would be very hard for either of us to resist hurling puzzle pieces in a similar situation. And Ula knew it. “Look,” Bob finally said. “We’re not really angry with you; but you need to find different ways to express your frustration, ok?” Ula agreed.

The remainder of this essay has been removed for editing and inclusion in Shannon’s forthcoming book, Homespun Mom Comes Unraveled.