Bob and I smiled as we watched the checkout girl at the hardware store sass each customer who came through. She seemed to know everyone, and teased them accordingly — from the last minute junk food impulse purchases they made “What, didn’t your wife pack you a lunch today? Can’t you make it yourself?”, to the volume of nails they were buying “Seriously? Do you really need that many? Or do you just bend that many when you pound ‘em?”
When it was our turn at the register to pay for our 20 pound bag of charwood, Bob removed his wallet, and I picked up the bag and headed for the door. “Are you kidding me?” She called after me. “You hafta carry that yourself? He isn’t gentleman enough to carry that for you?”
I’m usually the first person to jump on the sass bandwagon. But this time I pretended to notice something interesting out in the parking lot. Her comment didn’t incite the response she craved, so she tried again. “He’s not gonna carry that for you?”
Not unless I want his intestines to fall down into his scrotum, I want to snap back. But I say nothing. Bob, too, is pretending not to hear. Of course he would carry the bag for me. But we are in a quiet test of wills. He tries to pretend that he can lift everything he has always lifted with no problem. I try to sneak in ahead of him to prevent his further injury.
He first noticed the inguinal hernia last fall after doing yoga. We talked to a couple doctors, we kept an eye on it. But over the course of the growing season, it just kept growing. By August, he seemed to be adjusting and reinserting his viscera every few minutes. After a couple nasty arguments, he began allowing me to help him carry the meat coolers. At my insistence, we starting packing more boxes for the market, but keeping them at half the weight.
Hernias are a common problem. “The surgeries are standard procedures,” Bob told me from his reading, “No big deal.” We could have it taken care of at any of the regional hospitals. I figured, since this was “no big deal,” then I could leave him to make the decisions. Sometimes, I make a conscious effort to not be the controlling wife.
But a few days before our first appointment with a surgeon, I got a nagging feeling. If I didn’t research what we were about to agree to, I would never be able to live with myself if something went wrong that could have been prevented with a little advance reading. I found a few books on the subject, Bob and I sat down by the fire, and I read them aloud.
We learned about the problems with standard hernia procedures – the polypropylene mesh that can cause foreign object sensations, infections, and all too often, chronic pain. We read about recurrence rates and about the history of hernia treatment. Nevertheless, according to prevailing practice, the polypropylene mesh inserts done using laproscopy are considered the best practice.
“Bob,” I put my book down. I really wanted his treatment to be his choice. I didn’t want to interfere. Honestly. But there I went…..“This is your choice. But if it were me, since I wouldn’t even drink water from a plastic bottle, and since we work so hard to only eat clean and natural food, I wouldn’t be inclined to let any surgeon permanently implant some piece of synthetic crap inside my body.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” he responded, although his eyebrows were slightly furrowed. “Maybe we don’t want to know about these problems. These are just the extreme cases, anyhow.”
But we kept reading. We eventually learned about a new, less common, less expensive, tension-free procedure that has been in use since roughly 2003 that doesn’t require mesh, and that also seemed to have higher rates of success without the side effects. Called the Desarda technique, it was developed by a doctor in India, and there are only a handful of surgeons practicing the method here in the United States. We found one down in Florida who had trained with the Indian doctor. We both agreed that this seemed like the safer option.
But while it is cheaper than conventional laproscopy, we would have no assistance from our insurance company. We would have to pay the entire sum ($6500 for a double hernia) out-of-pocket.
We drove to Albany to consult with an in-network surgeon. He dismissed our concerns, refused to look at the material we’d brought in about the Desarda technique, assured us that there were never any side effects from using mesh inserts, then directed us out to his receptionist where we could schedule the surgery.
I’m not inclined to do business with liars. I’m especially not inclined to allow one of them to take a knife to my body.
But this is not my body. This is Bob’s body. “We can find a surgeon who is human,” he assured me. “Those side effects aren’t going to happen to me.” After a pause he added, “We don’t need to spend the savings on something like this.”
Was that it? Was it about the money?
“Bob! This is your body! This is your health and happiness! This is our friggen livelihood. What else should the money be spent on?”
He didn’t answer. I encouraged him to call the surgical center in Florida. He didn’t refuse. But he didn’t pick up the phone,either. Unable to keep my nose out of it, I made the call. I brought him the information about what it would cost, including transportation, food, lodging, medications. Then I reminded him that he needed to make a decision soon, because he would need the time to heal before the growing season started again.
He did nothing. I presented him with more research. He only remarked “That’s a lot of money.” I grew more and more anxious. Was he dithering? Was he procrastinating?
I woke up in the pre-dawn hours the following morning, lit the fire, sat in the dark, and tried to think it through. If it were me in need of a surgery, would Bob have a similar comment about money? Never. He would pay everything he had to get me the best care possible. He would interfere with doctors, confound the nurses, pull in the help of every holistic caregiver he could find. But this wasn’t about me. It was about him.
And then I saw the issue more clearly. In his mind, it was still about me. The money happens to be coming from my personal savings. It is money we have locked away as part of a plan to assure my security if I have to be alone someday. In Bob’s mind, my security tomorrow is more important to him than his health today.
And that’s just the way Bob is. I am his first and truest love. Whether it is right or wrong, he loves me more than he loves himself. If we share a piece of cake, he will always leave me the last bite, with the most frosting. When we sit down to dinner, he insists on washing up, demanding that I have time to rest or play. When I am writing, he keeps the kids away from my door. When we are working on the farm, he will strain his own injured body before he will allow me to risk harming myself. If I had given him the chance at the hardware store, he’d have carried the charwood.
This choice we face isn’t about the preferred treatment option. It isn’t even about money. It is about love. In the clarity of that dark room, I saw where Bob’s decision would lie. It would be with whatever choice would best guarantee my well-being. And his healing will be most dependent on my settled and peaceful mind.
I don’t want to be a controlling wife. I don’t want to tell my husband what to do with his body. But the simple truth is that I am at the heart of every decision he makes.
I walked over to the computer and booked the flight to Florida.
A few hours later, when he joined me for a morning coffee break, everything had been arranged, from the surgery date, to hotel and meal accommodations. He looked at me.
“You’re sure about this?”
“I won’t be at peace knowing you have something artificial inserted in your body. I will always be worried about the side effects. This is what I want.”
“Then we’ll go to Florida.”
I hope we are making the best choice. But we are no longer thinking much about that. Our decision has been made, and the next step in healing requires our peace and resolution with the treatment. And in a few months, he can carry the bag of charwood.
This essay was written by Shannon Hayes, whose blog, RadicalHomemakers.com and GrassfedCooking.com, is supported by the sale of her books, farm products and handcrafts. If you like the writing and want to support this creative work, please consider visiting the blog’s farm and book store.
To view Ula’s Greeting Cards and support Saoirse and Ula’s (Shannon and Bob’s kids) entrepreneurial ventures, click here.
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I’ll send you both lots of good energy for the trip to FL. Many hopes for a healthy recovery!
Thank you, Lindsay. Your good thoughts are most welcome right now. This will be a new experience for both of us.
A coworker, encouraged by everyone that it was a simple procedure, had hernia surgery a few years ago and now has permanent pain that cannot be fixed and instead must be “managed.” I saw a fit and active man in his late 40s become an old man who could only wear sweatpants and shuffle. May the Desarda technique treat Bob gently!
Yes, Julie, I am afraid I came across too many of those stories to feel comfortable moving forward with the conventional path. I share your hope that this procedure will be successful!
Wow, what a complicated decision to make. It seems you guys are doing the right thing, health is the best wealth. And good for you for taking the time and energy to do the research. That doctor that dismissed your educated concerns does not deserve your business.
I send blessings to Bob and to the doctor who will be doing his procedure.
Thank you, Sylvia. The blessings mean a lot to both of us.
I love your mutual love and friendship…and how you write about it so beautifully, Shannon!
Dear Shannon,
My father went to Canada to have this procedure done. I have no idea if that would be cheaper or if you are all set with your Florida plans. I thought I should mention it. I wish you both the best with this.
Did he have the Desarda technique done up there?
Good job, Shannon! All patients should be lucky enough to have someone like you as an advocate.
I’d say your next hurdle will be to get him to be patient with the healing process, because healing only happens over time, and it takes longer than we think. Operating on a human body is not like taking a truck to the repair shop. Truck is ready to go when picked up from the shop, not so the human body. The actual healing of a human body happens over time, after leaving the hospital. Surgery only fixes a problem in such a way that the body can heal itself.
While we all understand this on an intellectual level, few of us have internalized it enough to actually follow-through, and thus we cause injury to the injury.
Cynthia, these are helpful words of counsel to receive just now. I read them aloud to Bob (as I have done with all these comments today), and watched his brow furrow in contemplation. You are right that the true healing work happens after the surgery, and having those words come from someone else, in black and white, is important.
I really enjoyed your Love story though I did find myself tearing up. The question of whether loving your partner more than yourself(oversimplification, for sure) is healthy in today’s society is age-old. Is it possible that by fighting for our freedoms and equality, women find it difficult to receive love with all of it’s nuances? Yours is an example of how it can work in the form of a true partnership where the family unit as a whole is the goal. Thanks again for the incite and sweetness.
Good questions, Theresa…and so hard to know the answers. But thank you for your words of support!
My thought as I read this and other of your Tues posts is “Oh God how sane !!! ” Thank you for sharing your life with us. . . .
And thank you, Virginia, for welcoming the sharing with a warm and open heart.
I wish you both a season of healing and rest. I can understand the dilemma- the hesitation and worry. Best wishes.
Thank you, Karen. Wishes for healing and rest are being openly accepted with gratitude!
Shannon and Bob, I send my prayers and good wishes for a speedy surgery and recovery. We do the best we can and make the choices right for us. May the winter months rest lightly on you and good health be at the end. You and yours are always in my thoughts.
That is so kind of you, Jane. Thank you for these generous thoughts. They go a long way right now.
In my experience, historically women do the hard thinking and chess-game planning, if you know what I mean, about all this stuff, because we know men will just jump in and do the thing that requires the least thinking and the least money, so they can get on with other things. And then get mad or sad about the consequences. (I’m speaking in general on the men/women front — of course there are exceptions, and things are changing — gradually.)
And we do this day in and day out, for our family and our friends, and future unknown people, about little things as well as big things such as this, and come to be seen as you see yourself: controlling.
While we do want to see people go through their own processes and learn from their own results, we don’t want to see someone suffer for the rest of his or her life, and we can’t sleep properly if we see that about to happen.
You just nailed the whole thinking and feeling process that we all go through several times a day without noticing, because we’re so used to doing it, and I think any of us who reads this with a little reflection will learn something about ourselves and our self-images.
Thank you, as always, Shannon, for your wide-open and caring writing. You are in fact changing the world, even though you keep thinking otherwise. I should know; I’m part of the world you’ve changed. Just now, even. 🙂
Your words are very kind, RedChef, and needed and welcome right now. Thank you for sharing such well-considered thoughts on what it truly means when we use the term “controlling.” You have given me much to ponder as we move forward.
So beautiful! I love all that you share with us so openly and that you bring us into the heart of your life. All best wishes to you both on this journey.
Thank you, Jan. It is funny how this blog readership has become an extension of my family. That drives my compulsion to be honest about how we are making daily choices in our lives. I find it fascinating that the readers here could be so kind, accepting and thoughtful in their responses, that I actually feel safe enough to be open. Thanks for being part of the community.
Great post! I can see your mind going through all these thoughts with no clear answers at each turn. I think you made the right choice for both you and Bob.
I’m from India (born and raised there). I wonder if you considered flying to India to get the procedure done there. If it’s about money, that might work out cheaper. Many thousands of westerners travel to India for “medical tourism”.
At your suggestion, Satish, I did investigate the costs. You are right that the costs of the procedure would be slightly less, even with the additional airfare. However, I think the prolonged flight following the surgery might be a strain for Bob. Plus, knowing us, it would be very hard to properly convalesce with so many fascinations awaiting us in a foreign country!
An “epilogue” to the love story (? :)) Love is certainly only equal from both sides, which is clearly demonstrated in your post, Shannon. So here’s an epilogue. Everything Bob does or wants to do is out of his love for you (you lucky woman, you!) but everything you do is based on your love for Bob, and so the decision to do the Desarda treatment (which sounds good to me!) is out of your intense love for your hubby and wanting the best top-notch solution for him. Oh, ain’t love grand?
About yoga: I stopped doing traditional yoga exercise because it caused pain. I would strongly recommend you check out “Mana Yoga Center” – it’s in Hawaii – one can get instruction via Skype stateside – and the owner Michaelle Edwards, has invented “YogAlign” which is a yoga workout that does not force the body into unnatural poses, thus injuring spine, joints, muscles, etc., but encourages and restores proper posture and alignment to the body. There’s a lot to learn on the web site as well as her You Tube videos. I have not yet arranged for online instruction, but check it out! I have enjoyed yoga, but not for a while, and I would like to go further with YogAlign.
May your trip to FL be blessed with peace, safety and needed relief! I agree with Cynthia’s post about the body healing itself during convalescence after the surgery. So thank the Lord for this opportunity at this time, during your “rest” season, and I’m sure your daughters will find all sorts of creative ways to help Mom for Daddy to enjoy his time of recuperation!
What a touching story. How blessed you are! Your description of the way your husband cares for you rings so familiar to me of my own relationship. I, too, am blessed and always so unnerved by the challenges that such a loving partner can present. I wish the best for both of you and I hope you’ll post an update. For a change, you will have the opportunity to take care of him (hopefully, he takes it in stride ;-)). Best wishes for all of you. Safe travels. Be well.
One thing that might help dealing with healing is that, in my experience dealing with knee surgeries and Caesareans, healing is not an inclined plane. It’s a step-wise progression. Just about the time that you get discouraged because you feel that you’re not making any progress, the next day you make a giant leap.
i’m thinking how blessed & bright & beautiful you both are… AND sending healing love to you all!
I have tried several times to post, but God did not let me. So here it goes, try to enjoy this journey, like your plane trip there will be unforeseen treasures that life’s difficulties can bring. With every difficulty we can cave or become stronger, take the journey a step at a time and see what beautiful lessons God may have for all of you. It is better to embrace each other and know there is strength in numbers through your love for each other. As for not trusting a doctor, if they make you feel awkward or don’t listen, then run and find one who does. Our lives are precious and very short, so they should be cherished. After all, when life is said and done, it would be the moments and never the money that would last forever. Yoga has a lot of trouble with its design, most folks find using some moves that flow easier like dance to be less stressful and less destructive. Yoga was designed to open the body and give up the will, that said it conflicts with many teachings of various faiths as well as certain principals of safe movement,( if you are gonna give it up, shouldn’t it be to God and love? ) Caution is probably best, most yoga teachers end up with a lot injuries and for many different reasons, so modify and adjust any exercise with a physician and listen to your body. There are lots of great articles on all forms of exercise, like everything else a little homework first on the pros and cons of anything and taking it to prayer would be helpful. We pray you enjoy this journey and find more entertaining forms of exercise, perhaps with each other, like ballroom dancing in your home? Those hugs that go with such fun bring great joy and those kinds of hormones burn off lots of calories and stress. K-eep I-t S-imple S-illy my sister always tells me, (good advice for most folks), so K-I-S-S and have a blessed and safe Christmas and New Year. From our gang to yours!