No.  This is not pornography.  This is artificial insemination.

Winter is a time of intimacies….and not just for humans.   This week we separated the rams from the ewes, their breeding cycle complete.  And we’ve been monitoring the pigs for when they come into heat so that we can artificially inseminate them.

In January, my life is divided between crunching farm numbers and trying to spend as much time as possible out in the barn. I am looking for management problems – where are we losing money?  Where are we wasting?  Where are there safety hazards?  Nutrient management issues?

And it’s a time to learn as much as I possibly can from Dad.

So I’ve been helping him with inseminating Twine, our “lead” sow this week.  She’s been in heat every day, standing out in the barnyard, ears alert, waiting for Dad to come and service her.  I’ve been learning to lay myself across her back as he inserts the straw into her vulva, allowing my full weight to bear on her, while he instructs me to rub her teats.

Ok.  I said this wasn’t pornography.

Maybe that’s not quite right.

And I’ve done my best, but I don’t have as much weight to bear on her back side as Twine prefers.  She walks across the barnyard, carrying me away through the muck.  When we finish, she charges at Dad, wanting more attention, biting at him.  I block her with pig boards so he can leave the pen safely, then run like hell myself.

On the fourth day of breeding, I show up and Dad’s climbing out of the pen, already finished.

“She wanted to be alone,” he tells me.

“A more intimate experience?”  I quip, trying not to feel insulted…rejected…inadequate. 

He shrugs and walks away.

Forty-nine years I’ve lived on farms.  And 23 years I’ve been in partnership with my parents operating one.  And still so much yet to learn:  how to adjust a feed ration.  How to evaluate pasture.  How to keep the books balanced and the product moving.  How to assess an animal’s health.

And one more thing for the list:

How to pleasure a pig.

Well.  At least there’s no room for boredom.