For the time being, let’s hold Jack blameless.

Although, he did introduce us to the cookie recipe that has caused the problem.

And he did deliver the last TWO cookies….not ONE cookie…but TWO cookies, to Grammie when she asked for them at the cafe on Saturday afternoon.

And he did NOT ask Saoirse and Ula if they might have been hoping for a cookie for themselves after working hard all day.

What he DID do was ask a superior for permission to give two cookies to Grammie.  

We’re finding this out at the end of Saturday.  Our family is sitting out on the screen porch, decompressing from the day.  And Saoirse and Ula are lamenting that this week was slow enough for there to be TWO chocolate chip cookies leftover, a rare occurrence, and STILL they didn’t manage to get even one to share between them.  

The superior in question who permitted BOTH cookies to be delivered to Grammie is Bob.

And Saoirse and Ula have decided that he shall NOT be held blameless.

“Jack asked if Grammie could have a cookie and you just said YES?”  Ula growls.

“I didn’t say yes,” Bob offers as his defense.  “I said, ‘I don’t effing care.’”

“‘I don’t effing care’ is an affirmation!” Saoirse barks at him.  “You didn’t say NO, so you said YES!”

The girls are having a blast taking down their father for this one.  He offers them a chocolate chip cookie that he picked up on the drive back from the wool run.

“That’s a trash-can-raccoon-food cookie,” Ula spells out for him.  “We’re not eating THAT.”

But I’m not paying much attention now.  I’m writing down what Saoirse said:

I don’t effing care is an affirmation.  You didn’t say NO, so you said  YES”

She’s 19 and she’s figured this out.

I’m 49, and only just now wrapping my head around it. 

My journey as a daughter, writer, wife, mother and business partner has been a nearly five decade struggle with the word NO..  

I’m conflict averse.  I want people to like me.  I like to make people happy.  

Those three attributes, if I believe what my culture has taught me, should have set me up as a peaceful, loving, easily-contended human being.

Instead, those three attributes have left me with more stomach aches, bitterness and anxiety than all of the major life-and-death challenges I’ve ever confronted combined.  

And what grabs me about Saoirse’s observation isn’t that people like me necessarily say YES to too many things.

It’s that, like Bob, too many of us don’t clearly define our NOs.

To shrug and say I don’t effing care is a yes by default.   It’s a failed NO.  

And there are so many ways that we do this in our lives — We live in denial of problems; we pretend we don’t see things; we prevaricate; we choose not to speak out; we cave in to pressure; let someone else tell us what we see or what we think ;or, in Bob’s case, we opt for ambivalence:

I don’t effing care.

As I approach my fiftieth year and grow more competant at setting my personal boundaries and speaking my truth, I am repeatedly awed by the elder women ahead of me who have learned to let their NOs ring from the rafters, especially Grammie.  She tells people what she thinks, and she doesn’t worry if someone is disappointed or angry with her.  She is perfectly comfortable with displeasing others.

I was once averse to that blunt way of being in the world because I worried somehow it meant that women who spoke out were cruel or unloving, or lacked compassion.

But clarity is compassionate.  It saves people a lot of time.  And that’s a precious resource. 

To speak one’s truth and clearly say NO is an act of self love   That same self-love also seems to roll outward to loving forgiveness of others.  Grammie tells everyone what she thinks.  When they fire back, she listens.  Or she doesn’t.  But no matter what, she drops it, moves on, and goes back to loving.

That’s because Grammie isn’t just comfortable using the word NO.  She’s also comfortable hearing it.  

That comfort let’s her ask for everything she wants out of life.  

And, not being afraid of getting told NO, she usually gets what she’s after.

Hence the reason she scored not ONE, but TWO  of Jack’s chocolate chip cookies at the cafe on Saturday.

Ok, so this issue of saying NO and standing one’s ground has been on my mind a lot lately.  Actually, I’ve been working on it for years, researching and writing and practicing.  I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m a lot farther along than I ever was, and I’ve learned a lot.  Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be running a series exploring the importance of NO.  Next week, I’ll be sharing a chapter from Redefining Rich with you, called Yes to NO, where I’ll teach you some tactics for successful NOs that might work a little better than “I don’t effing care.”  I hope you tune in!

On another matter, a few weeks ago I published a piece called What to Wear, which generated a number of written letters about what it means to feel beautiful in today’s society.  One in particular really touched my heart, and I wanted to share this excerpt with you, from Raema Rotindo:

It’s helpful to be reminded that our worth has nothing to do with our physical appearance (contrary to the constant barrage of societal conditioning telling us otherwise).

Our bodies work SO hard for us every day, doing countless tasks behind the scenes that make everything we do possible. It’s none of our business what they look like while they do it! 🙂 

Raema, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve laid my hands across my expanding middle-aged belly and heard your words in my head:

Our bodies work SO hard for us every day, doing countless tasks behind the scenes that make everything we do possible.  

I think about how that belly keeps me nourished, energized, active and happy.  Thanks for reminding me to stop feeling ashamed of it and to start giving thanks for it.

 

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