Featured image courtesy of Corbie Mitleid. 

Difficult.  Selfish.  Willful.  Controlling.  Close-minded.  Nasty.  Disagreeable.  Caustic.  Pig-headed.  Ungrateful.  Obstinate.   Offensive.  Annoying.  Stubborn.  Bastard.  Bitch.  

There are lots of words to describe a person who chooses to say NO.  I think those words used to be one of the reasons I spent too much of my life saying YES.  I didn’t want to be disliked.  I didn’t want people to think ill of me.  But as we’ve discussed in the last two parts of this series, NO matters a lot when trying to create a life centered around our loves and passions.  

But the truth is, when I first started saying NO, I think I probably embodied a lot of those words.  I was difficult.  I was caustic.  

But it wasn’t because I’m a bitch.

It was because I was feeling guilty.

I knew I needed to say NO to protect myself, my way of life, and my relationships.  But I felt bad doing it.  I didn’t feel entitled to my NO….even if I had a great technique for doing it, as we discussed in part II last week.  I still felt I wasn’t qualified to issue my refusals.  And that made me feel the guilt.  And the guilt made me defensive.  And feeling defensive made me come across as, well….

Difficult, selfish, willful, controlling, close-minded, nasty, disagreeable, caustic, pig-headed, ungrateful, obstinate, offensive, annoying, stubborn, and, of course, bitchy.

So as part of my journey to mastering NO, I had to shed the guilt.

Our society imposes a lot of NOs that people accept without harboring resentment to the nay-sayers:

No smoking in public spaces.  

No drinking and driving.  

No double parking.

When there is a rule on the books, people (for the most part), follow the rule.  Those who enforce the rules don’t sit around feeling guilty and defensive for doing their jobs.

That’s because there is a black-and-white rule.  The enforcement isn’t a personal rejection of anyone.  It’s just a rule.

As I was growing in my quest for affirmative negation, it occurred to me that maybe a simple rule, even if it was a personal rule only for myself, might help to absolve me of guilt, and the quagmire of defensiveness, insults and hurt feelings that ensued.  It all started with meetings.

Bob and I were observing that a large part of our stress running a business and raising a family came from my involvement on boards, and the frequent requests I would receive to attend meetings.  They were all for worthy causes.  But if the meetings were in the morning, they interfered with home-schooling.  If they were in the afternoon, they interfered with farm work.  If they were in the evening, they interfered with dinner and kept me out late, so that I couldn’t rise early to do my creative work the next day.  And then, there were the interpersonal conflicts that inevitably rise when people work together.  They troubled me more than they should have.  They kept me up late replaying disturbing dialogues; caused me to experience stress and dread, and distracted me from my kids and my work.  

Taking inspiration from No Smoking laws, it occurred to Bob and me that maybe I needed a hard and fast rule for myself.  No group meetings.  Period.  No commissions, no boards, no committees.

This is not to say that I didn’t believe in the causes that required the meetings.  I value civic activity highly.  However, I recognized that group settings, while they’re good for some folks, are not where I am most effective at building a better world.  I work well with people one-on-one.  I’ve learned that, while those interactions may be invisible to the public eye, I can affect change in the world without compromising my personal, family and business needs. 

Better still, once I made that rule for myself, I never twisted myself in knots again when asked to participate in a meeting or join a committee or board.  My answer to these requests became swift, guilt-free, and thus without the defensive baggage: Thanks for thinking to include me.  I don’t do meetings. 

When I was certain of my personal rule, I discovered that people didn’t push against it.  They didn’t even seem offended.  They just accepted it.  It was that easy!

But better still was the ease in my own heart.  I learned that, with a good personal rule, my NO didn’t occupy unnecessary real estate in my busy brain.

As the years went by, I added to my No meetings rule.  To date, I have a list of six NOs for myself that help keep me from extending unnecessary mental energy and anguish.  The NOs that ensue from those rules lack emotional charge, because, like the NO SMOKING rule, it’s nothing personal. . Some of these rules turn into NOs directed outward, some of them are Nos to help me govern my own thoughts and emotions.

As this is the final installment in our Celebration of Negation, I’m going to share those Nos with you, and why I’ve chosen them.  To be clear, I’m not suggesting  that everyone should adopt any or all of them for their own personal success or happiness.  We each need to make our own choices based on what’s right for us.  That said, I do think establishing some basic rules for automatic NOs does help to construct more effective, less emotionally-charged boundaries.  So to help inspire you, here are mine.

1. No meetings.  We’ve explored that one in-depth already, so no need to expound here.
2. No social media.  I feel it drains my creative energy, and that it causes my business and personal life too much stress and lost productivity.  If something about social media is really worth knowing about, I’ll eventually hear about it from my real life social contacts.
3. No measuring up.  I look to other farmers, writers and small business owners for inspiration and great ideas.  But I don’t need to be as polished, as slick, as attractive, as efficient, nor as successful.  We all have struggles, we all have strengths.  I just need to help my business and family grow in ways that are healthy, mutually beneficial, and respectful of the earth  Everything else is just a distraction. 
4. No people pleasing.  This has been a hard one to learn.  But I’ve discovered that, when I don’t speak my mind or stand my ground on a troubling matter for the sake of keeping others comfortable, my stomach turns sour.  Honesty saves time for everyone.
5. No apologies for success.  I don’t know if men have this problem, but I have felt, as a socially conscious female, I somehow should be ashamed if my business is doing well…As though our prosperity will be taken away unless I act demure and play down our successes and victories.  But embracing success with gratitude, I’ve learned, is a way of thanking the universe and opening ourselves up for more great things.  
6. No know-it-alling.  Anything can change at any time.  Learning makes life thrilling.  I could be wrong about anything and everything…And the discovery of something new to lead to such conclusions makes for thrilling conversations, new connections, new ideas.  

And maybe No know-it-alling will lead me to find more YESes.  Maybe it will lead me to more NOs.  Either way, setting boundaries matters.  They help define a life.  

I hope these past few weeks’ ruminations on negations has helped you identify some of your own limits, and define your own life more clearly.  No matter what, remember what my friend Corbie, the cafe’s resident psychic who sits at Bar 5 always says:

No is a fabulous idea.

I owe a special Thank You to Corbie Mitleid, the cafe’s resident psychic who sits at the espresso bar for her years of encouragement during my quest to explore NO.  She provided the graphic for this week’s illustration.  You can learn more of her wisdom on setting boundaries here. 

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