Wrote this piece after it happened this winter when the blog was inactive. Been thinking about it, and decided I’d run it this week…
There are times when the magnitude of Ula’s words is inversely proportional to the strength with which she says them.
“Mama, I’m worried about my belly.”
Her voice is tiny, almost imperceptible. She has scrambled up to the stool at the kitchen counter across from where I’m caramelizing onions in lard and butter.
“Are you sick?” I rush around to the other side and put my hand on her forehead, doing the parental calculation of whether I can get her to a bowl or the toilet faster.
“No! It’s just….well, I know you like it, but are you sure it’s not too….round?”
“You’re beautiful!” I shout it defensively. I’m frightened by her words. Where is this coming from?
“And my butt. Is it too big?”
She’s eight, for crying out loud. And she has the kind of body that a mama can’t get enough of… One that is filled with strength throughout the day as she turns one-handed cartwheels, attempts to climb ropes to the ceiling and scales up and over fences…one that makes my heart beat slower as it crawls into my lap beside the fire, one that wipes away the chill when we pile into bed for story time on winter nights.
“It’s just that…in school today…Maura said she noticed that I was wider than her.”
Ula is homeschooled. But as part of her vision therapy, she takes a special class at the school every afternoon. Maura (not her real name) is one of the kids she sees while she waits in the library.
I want to pull Ula out of the program. I want to build isolating, protective walls around my child. I want to call Maura’s size four mother and give her a piece of my mind. But Ula loves her class. And Ula loves Maura.
Ula is my social butterfly. She thrives with a constant stream of friends in her life. Unlike Saoirse, who finds herself played out after a two hour social engagement, Ula craves the pleasures of company. And with that, I’m noticing, comes heightened social awareness.
Saoirse hears our conversation. I’m rapidly firing off about the importance of self acceptance, the importance of healthy weight….some stupid, prattling diatribe that can only ring hollow to an eight-year-old who loves her friends and values their opinions.
Meanwhile, Saoirse, who will unabashedly accompany her little sister to her classroom dressed as a 1920s flapper, dances across the room, humming to herself. I see her fiddling with my ipod. My words are cut short as Meghan Trainor’s song, All About the Base, comes over the speakers:
Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size 2,
But I can shake it, shake it, like I’m supposed to do…
Saoirse, in her wisdom, comes up between us and imitates a move she’s seen from me all too often as I dance around the kitchen, arms in the air, booty in full shake. I get the point. I shut up and join her in the dance.
My Mama, she told me, don’t worry about about the size,
‘Cuz boys like a little more booty to hold at night…
Ula laughs. She soon seems to forget the whole incident.
But my vision is no longer clouded. I begin to notice the parade of girls with frail wrists that comes through my house, politely pushing away each offering of comestibles. It doesn’t matter whether it is meat loaf or pizza, salad or chocolate. “No thank you,” “I’m just not hungry,” “Wow, so hard to resist, but I’ll have to say ‘no.’”
I don’t curb my language in front of my children. I don’t refuse to show them movies that may have sexual content. But suddenly, this behavior, which I used to think was just finicky eating, is looking different. I want to censor it. This, to me, is looking like violence in the form of self-deprivation. And I don’t want my children to see it.
I can’t just drop the curtain. They’re all good kids.
But these refusals to eat are coming in the form of grown-up words. I have heard them before. From myself, even.
I want to blame the media for these girls’ premature worries about their bodies. I want to blame the Barbie dolls. I want to blame other children. But in those grown up words, I see where it starts.
It starts with us. The parents.
…with our worries that we are not keeping our bodies toned enough… That carrying our children has loosened our curves, drooped our breasts, slackened our abs. It starts with fear that our partners will no longer see us as beautiful; with our tendencies to scrutinize our butts when we think our daughters aren’t looking, with compulsive cardio workouts done in place of walking in the woods with our kids.
I like to think I’m liberated from these concerns. At 42, I am more free of them than I was at 29, when I first became pregnant. It was around that time when Bob let me in on the secret to feminine attractiveness. “It’s not actually about the body shape,” he confided when I wept over my first stretch marks. “Sexy, to me anyhow, is more about how a woman is feeling about herself.” It didn’t sink in right away. But 12 years later, as he still likes to run his hands over my ample posterior and my softened belly while he touches his lips to the back of my neck, I’m beginning to understand.
I cannot pull the curtain across my daughter’s friends. I cannot stop the words they will hear about body types. But I can love myself for who I am. — whether I’m in the fat jeans or the skinny jeans. I can shake my butt across the kitchen floor, dance naked after climbing out of the bath, carry myself with pride across the field before I slip naked into the farm pond for a skinny dip. My daughters will hear many things in this world about how they should regard their bodies. But the lesson that will resonate most strongly is how they watch their mother feel about herself…and how good onions can taste when caramelized in lard and butter.
Yes!
So Beautiful. Thank you!
As someone who has struggled with weight and self esteem issues my whole life, at 63, I am just finding out the truth of what you’ve so beautifully expressed Shannon…So true! My daughters have somehow come to love themselves for all of their inner and outer beauty and the heck with society’s expectations of what they”should” be…they have taught me as much, maybe more than I have taught them about self love… I so love your blog, your books…thanks for your work and sharing…
I definitely think it takes a pure heart of a child to help us see just how loved and beautiful we really are. Sometimes I feel that as adults we get lost in all of the challenges and ideas that society has thrown at over the years that we forget to stop and take a breath and just realize that this life isn’t about competing to keep up with society. It’s live your life the way you want with the people that make you happy. And I feel that it takes the innocence, unconditional love, and unbiased opinion of a child to help us see our true worth.
Another thing to remember is that they perceive what words have power over their parents, seem to rattle them. And if “am I fat” has that power, they need to understand why, why is the parent (probably mom specifically) getting worked up over this question, differently from the way they’d respond to “am I tall”. They learn from our emotional reactions to questions more than from our verbal output…
I remember when we still lived in the suburbs and our 9-year old neighbor girl came to visit. Sitting on our couch, she proudly declared she had lost 3 pounds. I remember the deep sadness I felt for both her and her mother.
I keep my conversations with my daughters all about strength and the wonderful things our bodies can do. They see me running, hiking, and doing yoga because these things MAKE ME FEEL GOOD. I tell them how much I love my body and the things I can do with it.
When there is candy, donuts and danishes at work meetings, I am sure my co-workers think I am depriving myself when I politely decline. But I know from experience the foods that make me feel good and the foods that drain my energy. If I feel the need to indulge, I do. Just like knowing the after-effects of two margaritas at our local Mexican restaurant, the after effects of sugary foods will be felt.
I experimented with binge-eating and purging during my early twenties. But somehow I found my way out of a food and weight-obsessed life. At 46 I carry more weight than ever in my life, but I am comfortable with my body. All I can do is be a good role model for my daughters, and hope they enjoy a healthy sense of self.
Hi Michelle. I can relate to the section of your post regarding healthy eating. I, myself, am normally a very healthy eater. As you said, I just personally feel better when I eat clean, and the fact that eating healthier helps with controlling weight issues is an extra bonus. However, I haven’t always eaten healthier, and in fact it was other influences that I let affect me such as the media and peers that made me start eating this way. I was worried about looking how everyone else expected me to look instead of being comfortable in my own body. Today, my thought process has changed significantly. I no longer eat clean because I’m worried about what society says is beautiful. I do it for my own benefit.
Yes, yes, Yes! This post is sorely needed for everyone’s benefit, and to remind ourselves that beauty is not only in the eyes of the beholder, but does not need to be a benchmark for self worth. Thanks!
This is so very relevant for me today. With some extra kilos I’m carrying and being considerably less fit than I need to be, I am beginning work with a personal trainer. Your post comes as a very poignant reminder that I will need to be aware, for both my mental state and that of my daughter, how far I take it and how I perceive my body and the changes I am hoping to make in it, as well as the reasons why I am making the changes.
Thank you.
Thank you, you know how to make me laugh and cry. Been there and done that with my girls. Fortunately the girls singing nowadays are coming in all shapes and sizes, and trying to keep the kids chaste and pure has become the harder thing with the body issue. Bottom-line is good food=good body, low-fat actually is designed to make you fat, sick, and corporate food america gets richer along with the medical community. You have officially entered the realm of both daughters perfecting you for Heaven as they test all the things you have taught them-LOL. Remember they want to make sure you are listening and being their Mom even when they complain about it. So stay strong and stay true and by all means laugh, sing and dance while you do it. Life is short dive in and enjoy the swim!
Godspeed!
Well said. Thx for your honest thoughts and lovely example.
Another great post. I have two girls as well. Younger but they notice every little detail. Once while checking out myself in the mirror my five year old says “you’re beautiful, mommy” and I said the same back to her. I try to keep her words mind when I feel like eating a half gallon of ice cream. Just so I can be genuine with my response, I want to love me as much as she does.
Perfectly said! I really enjoyed reading this post! I have experienced a similar situation with my younger sister who is pretty much like my child. She is turning 13 years-old is a few days, and she is starting to ask me whether I think she is getting fat or whether a certain outfit makes her look big. It breaks my heart that she is concerned with this at such a young age. However, I always thought it began with her friends at school or the shows on TV that she watches, but I realized I have a part in her way of thinking. I am always mentioning how I shouldn’t have that cookie or complaining when I miss a day in the gym, so being the main person that she looks up to, I am a big influence on her view of herself. This blog definitely hit home.
This is a great post. It hit close to home. I always struggled with my weight especially when I was a child. I would lose it and gain it. My self-esteem was low due to other kids calling me names. As I got older I realized I was beautifully made! I have a daughter and I tell all the time she is beautiful and never let others define who you are!
You are definitely right it starts with us PARENTS! We as parents need to build our children confidence growing up so if they encounter this they will know they are beautiful not mater what size you may be a size 2 or size 14!
Beautifully written. This blog truly points out the emphasis today’s society has on being thin. Young girls are taught from an early age that they must look waif like or they are fat. I truly believe the anorexia and bulimia epidemic in society among young girls is perpetuated by the images of their peers on television and the media. Young girls feel they need to be a small size in order to be sexy. This is simply not true. Young girls need to be reprogrammed to believe the sexy is not a size it is a state of mind and a level of confidence. I was always heavy growing up and I know first hand what it is like to be thought of as the fat kid and want to fit in so badly. My mom wanted me to be thinner so she put me on Adipex at 12. She thought this would help me lose weight and fit in. All it did was cause body shaming and depression that I struggle with to this day. I promised myself long ago that if I ever had a child I would teach her/him from and early age about proper nutrition and exercise. If my child was overweight, so be it. I would teach my child that no matter the size, you can still be beautiful.
This is a great post! It hits close to home. I always struggled with my weight especially as a child. I would lose it then gain it back. My self-esteem was low due to other kids calling me names. As I got older I realized, I am beautiful made. I have a daughter and I tell her all the name she is beautiful and never let others define who you are!
You are definitely right it starts with us – PARENTS. We as parents need to build our children confidence growing up so if they may encounter this thy will know they are beautiful no matter what size they may be a 2 or 14.