Meet Norbert.  He’s a Norfolk pine, and he was the first houseplant I dared buy for myself that wasn’t a succulent.  Prior to his entry into my life, as much as I loved houseplants, I didn’t dare acquire anything that couldn’t endure neglect. He entered my world during my perimenopausal years, a time when I was beginning to wonder whether my personal interests and joys might have as much of a legitimate claim on my time as caring for my family, caring for our farm and cafe, and caring for my friends and neighbors. 

Caring is great.  It keeps us focused, helps us build webs of social and emotional support, helps us stay resilient.  But when the holidays come around, caring (especially when paired with toxic levels of perfectionism), can wreak havoc on our lives.  Making sure everyone we love has the perfect gift; that the house looks beautiful; that the experience for the children is magical; that appropriate wishes, salutations and calls are made to everyone scattered far and wide; that the meals are glorious; and that all social commitments are fulfilled and no is left out in the cold… can burn caring people out. 

Even when we love Christmas. 

Over the years, as I took on more and more responsibility for my family’s business and all the duties that January held (year-end bookkeeping, inventory, financial planning), I came to realize that the most critical part of the holidays was….just that.  The holiday.  Done right, the holidays offered the rest that I needed after a busy season, before facing down the pencil-pushing days of January.  And while I wanted everyone in my life to have a  lovely season, it couldn’t happen at the expense of my own rest and joy.  Thus, as time went by, I began to conceive of a holiday bill of rights, a list of entitlements that everyone should have this time of year, that would enable more joy and successful rest during this season:

1. The right to rest

This is a time when a lot of the world agrees it’s okay to kick back.  We have the right to do it. We have the right to take a nap rather than placing an expedited shipping order from Amazon.  We have the right to sleep in, to delegate cooking and cleaning tasks to our family members, to make this a time to move more slowly.

2. The right to personal pursuits. 

Sociologist Sabine Sonnetag* researches recovery in work, and has distilled down the elements of a vacation that offer us the maximum restorative benefits.  They include rest, detachment from work, control over our time (that’s right…no over-scheduling!), and something else that’s very interesting: mastery experiences.  True restoration of the mind and body on a holiday happens when we pick a few activities that are interesting, that we do well, that are challenging and mentally absorbing.  These might include some family games or sledding, but they also include personal interests: practicing a musical instrument, working on a knitting project, sitting down at the sewing machine, taking out the sketch pad, working on a jigsaw puzzle….or perhaps tending to beloved houseplants.  These activities clear our minds while forcing us to take a break from our daily challenges.  They make us happy.  Happiness makes us better participants in the holiday season.  Participating in these activities also returns us to work in January with a greater sense of fulfillment. 

3. The right to imperfection

How many holiday decorations are required to make a holiday?  How clean does that house really have to be in order for you and your family to enjoy it?  Your holidays are yours.  They don’t have to look like a Hallmark movie.  Last year at this time, Bob and I were couch-surfing in New York City while he underwent treatment for prostate cancer.  There was no opportunity for decorations.  So we’d sit in our window at night listening to Christmas music on a phone, or walk the streets and enjoy everyone else’s decorations.  When we got home to our our family on December 23rd, we didn’t want to use our time schlepping in a Christmas tree.  Instead, we strung Norbert with lights and a few choice ornaments.  The time was every bit as festive.  It’s still a holiday, even if the food is simple, if you forget the tree or you skip the wrapping paper.  

4. The right to nutrition and exercise.

Sugar causes mood swings.  I love sweet indulgences, but I don’t love the crash that comes afterward.  And I hated what it did to my kids when they were little – turning them into squalling terrors.  Christmas is still Christmas when desserts are simpler, and when they don’t come out until after a nourishing meal has been served (to prevent the sugar crash.…and to make sure some semblance of nutrition is achieved!).  In fact, Christmas with kids is a whole lot more pleasant that way!  Limiting the sweet indulgences to a few special meals is good for grown-ups, too.  They get less cranky and querulous.  And getting out for exercise helps us digest and sleep better. 

5.  The right to give within one’s means and values.

Here’s a simple truth about me.  I find gifting extremely hard.  Receiving and gifting cause me stress.  To me, a gift is too easily an added burden in someone’s life: something to maintain, to dust, to clutter a home, to create excess burden on the planet, to create stress and guilt in the receiver as they decide whether to hold on to it or get rid of it.  Thinking of gifts, buying or making gifts, done to excess, all come with a sense of duty, obligation and stress.  That easily turns into resentment.  It just doesn’t work for me.  I may be able to think of a perfect gift for a person one year, and the next year, I may turn up empty-handed.  But I always have hugs and love to offer, as well as a year-round place around my supper table whenever it is needed.  In spite of this, I’ve learned to accept that other people feel differently.  Some folks wish to give.  In the past I worried about reciprocating to match each person’s level of generosity.  Now I just try to accept graciously, then be okay without having something in return.  If my choice not to reciprocate means they choose not to give next year, then I’ve removed one more sense of obligation they might be suffering.  That could be it’s own gift!

6. The right to enjoy family and friends.

The emphasis here is on ENJOY. I think family and friends are the best part of the holiday….But you really can have too much of a good thing.  There’s nothing wrong with keeping visits short if that keeps them pleasant.  There’s also nothing wrong with sitting down for a visit with a cup of tea and relishing good conversation….even if you don’t have a prime rib dinner, a glass of homemade eggnog or a plate of freshly baked cookies.  Too often, we eschew hospitality if we cannot offer five-star service.  Sometimes, all we need to do is sit down together and take time to savor our relationships, rather than fret over menus or whether or not the laundry is folded, or the kitchen table is clear.

7.  The right to say NO.

There’s no need to attend every event or reciprocate every gift.  Keep the love in your heart and say NO when you need to.  Leave the guilt out of it.  It only builds resentment.  Remember the time-honored wisdom of Phoebe Buffay:  “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”

This year’s decorations in our home are simple.  It’s just Norbert, the stockings, and the spirit of the season.   Nevertheless, the joy abounds, I look forward to a reprieve from the ordinary routine, and I am deeply thankful to celebrate another Christmas with my loved ones.  I wish you all the same. 

Learn more about this in Alex Soojung-Kim Pang’s glorious book, Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less, from Basic Books (2016).